Posted by todd
Sat, 02 Oct 2004 05:45:00 GMT
UPDATE: Apparently a lot of people get here looking for pics of ex girlfriends. I presume the ones below are really what you want... click for more :) 
But, back to MY story....
Famous/Slightly Crazy Ex-Girlfriends: Lauren.
Or, "The Story of the Stunt Fish"I just talked to an old friend today. This reminded me that I should tell a story about her... Like to hear it? Here it goes.
Lauren was a girl I met in the computer lab (surprising I know). I think she liked me because I would get irritated trying to help her with programming and just write the code for her. I think I liked her because she was freaky and had a nice rack :)
She was also, as it turned out, off her head bonkers fucking crazy. (side note: I still know her and she is still, bonkers fucking crazy.)
I sometimes get flack from people who say I call all girls crazy. I can't help it if a lot of girls are nut jobs, and once you get to know them (Stevie?) you realize I'm right.
It was winter break, and Lauren was going home to Pittsburgh but didn't want to take her zebra fish with her. That seemed fairly understandable, and since I had no plans other than drinking and consuming illicit substances for the next month, I told her I'd watch the fish. Fish are pretty cool with those things handy, in case you were wondering.
It all went smoothly, except that the black light on the cage burned out while she was gone, so I replaced it. Unfortunately I couldn't find another blacklight, so I went with a standard fish light. All was well, and I gave the fish back to her at the end of the month.
The next day I got a phone call that said "I can't fucking believe you would do this". I pondered the various things I had done, but couldn't come up with anything very exciting. My response was something along the lines of "huh?". "You killed my fucking fish, and didn't think I'd notice?!?! They don't even look like the same fish Todd!! I can't believe you would do this and then not have the balls to even tell me!" She always had a way with words.
Lauren was absolutely convinced that I had murdered her fish, and replaced them with STUNT DOUBLES.
Now, anyone who knows me realizes that I'm a bit too laid back to get worried about whacking a few fish. If I killed her fish I probably would have replaced them, but I certainly would not recruit stunt doubles in hopes of getting away with murder. She was very angry. I tried to explain to her that little fish might look different when they were under a white light, instead of a black light, but she was in a rage by this point and was having none of it. I graduated shortly thereafter, with my good name still tarnished.
Lauren is "knocked up" now. (She still has a way with words). All I know is, I'm not babysitting, and that kid is getting some fish for it's birthday.
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Posted by todd
Sun, 19 Sep 2004 22:54:38 GMT
AKA: There is something floating in my drink...Eh, Oh well.
Living alone has its disadvantages. You don't get to eat home cooked meals, as you certainly don't cook them. You don't have someone to sit around and keep you company when it's lousy weather, and.... Perhaps some tax related stuff? Really that's about it. Luckily where I live there is no lousy weather, and I can get mashed potatoes at a restaurant.
On the upside, you can get away with a type of lazy that married men only dream of being.
This is no joke, I just drank 75% of a glass of water that was full of some strange sediment resembling sea monkey powder. My theory is I somehow corrupted my ice cubes (with unfiltered water, not sea monkeys). Luckily whatever it was turned out to be heavier than water so I just continued to sit on the couch for a minute until it settled, and then drank around them. See, I'm a busy guy.. I don't have time for all this "getting up off the couch", and "pouring new water" stuff!
People who live alone also get to eat foods which are unavailable to married people, or those who have kids. Stale foods. As an example, Double Stuff Oreos are best when sqooshy. You can't *buy* them like that; you have to make them yourself. The opposite is true with Marshmallow Peeps. They are best when you could knock someone out with it. In general, if the consistency of food isn't quite to your liking, just leave the box open for a week and try again. IMPORTANT NOTE: Do not try this with wine, or any liquid other than water.
Trust me, it won't go your way.
Posted in Bachelor Guides | 10 comments | 69 trackbacks
Posted by todd
Fri, 17 Sep 2004 17:53:15 GMT
Aah, the advances in mobile technology. Since the invention of the telephone, people have said "This talking thing is neat and all, but what good is a phone without pictures?". Finally the craziness has ended.
Ok fine.. the only person to ever say that was almost certainly some japanese marketing executive, but that is why he makes The Big Bucks(tm).
I am a bit of a phone junkie, and I always play with other peoples phones so I can tell you what the cameras are used for. People take pictures of waitresses, pets, and their own head. The picture of their head is usually one of the first pictures they take, and it is always a bad picture(See example above).
I presume the pet pictures are just because pet owners are weird like that. Ever see an
ancient cave drawing? Pet owners.
Finally, the waitresses. This needs a bit more explanation.
There are at least half a dozen waitress pictures on my phone right now. Camera phones are some sort of strange watiress beacon. They love them. "Oh my gosh, is that a camera phone?!?!", they say. Then you take their picture and show it to them, at which point they will say "oh that looks terrible!". It usually does look terrible, because it is a camera, on a phone. Go figure.
Someone with "skills" greater than mine could probably parlay this into a phone number, but why the hell would you want to TALK to someone on a telephone?
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Posted by todd
Tue, 14 Sep 2004 19:18:16 GMT
It has finally happened.
In 2004, Internet dating on sites like
Match.com has gone from being something people kept as a dark secret(like most things you do on the internet), to being a perfectly acceptable form of meeting new people. I mean lets face it, you are still a freak, but at least you are in good company!
Hell, I do it. Now, being a computer geek I've been meeting random strangers over the internet for years. Back in MY day, we didn't have any of these fancy WWW's or .com's.. No! Back in MY day, if you wanted to meet a girl on the computer you dialed into a BBS! Photos? Not when I was growing up... All we had was
ASCII ART, and you know damn well she didn't really look that good!
Really though, the first girl I met because of a computer wasn't on the WWW. I saw her in the computer lab, noticed she was in a chat room... Figured out which VAX terminal she was on...Looked up which user was on that terminal..Queried to see what BBS she was connected to.. telnetted into the same BBS and then typed "Turn around, I'm waving at you". Yes, I know.. I have a way with the ladies, but that crap worked!
Today computer dating has progressed to an almost Jetson's style event. Search for all the single people within X miles of you. Filter out the old ones, the obviously insane ones, the ones who have no teeth, and you are left with 50 pages of people. Granted these people probably have the same problems, but at least they are good at marketing.
As a side note, I later broke up with her, after figuring out she had another boyfriend at the next college over. Not before I found HIM on the computer and told him what she and I had been doing for the past few months. He canned her too, and we met and had beers.
Lesson: Don't mess with the guy who runs the computers.
On that note, I'm meeting a total stranger for dinner soon. Hey don't laugh. I'm not the one sitting around eating pretzels in their pajamas!
Shit, I am.. Time to get dressed.
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Posted by todd
Mon, 13 Sep 2004 19:28:14 GMT
Not Really My Kitchen
A few years ago I didn't have dishes.
I lived what I called a "disposable lifestyle". I ate off of paper plates (or out of my dog dish), used plastic forks/knives, and ate things with my hands quite a bit. Aah, the good ole days.
Then I bought a house. This was a huge bachelor mistake and has since been corrected, but it caused some consequences from which I am still recovering. You see, when you buy a house everyone you know comes and visits. When your *parents* come visit and realize you have only one towel and one 47 ounce glass that you drink everything out of, they feel sorry for you and go shopping.
Now mind you, I didn't go shopping... I was quite happy living like a box turtle, who could move himself anywhere in about a day. However shortly after my father came to visit I received a box in the mail that could have contained a large TV (unfortunately it was not). Instead, this box contained everything my father decided I needed, including:
4 Large bath towels.
4 Medium towels of unknown purpose.
4 Washcloths for people who don't understand soap.
1 Shower caddy.
1 Set of knives.
1 Set of dishes. (containing glasses).
1 Set of glasses (not surprisingly, also containing glasses).
Now this was amazingly nice of my father, and very typical of him. When the man gets buying stuff, he doesn't screw around. Unfortunately in doing so he roughly doubled the number of items I owned; most importantly to this story, I now own roughly 45 glasses.
I live alone.
I am also rather lazy when it comes to dishes. This means that if I were conservative, I could go 45 days without doing dishes! Even in a worst case scenerio, 3 glasses per day is plenty, letting me go 15 days before running out! I'm sure you see the problem here.
The picture at the top of this post is not my real kitchen. It is a stunt kitchen. However it represents the state of my apartment every 15 days. I was considering building a small glass block wall, but my landlord may disagree.
Perhaps I'll build a fort.
Posted in Best Of Bachelor Todd | 3 comments | no trackbacks
Posted by todd
Sun, 12 Sep 2004 05:18:00 GMT
UPDATE: Apparently a lot of people get here looking for pics of ex girlfriends. I presume the ones below are really what you want... click for more :)
Introduction.As a 29 year old single guy, I've had a few girlfriends in my life. Some were good, some were bad, some were funny. My married friends like to live vicariously through my most awkward moments, so I'm going to post the particularly odd stories. This is only the first installment, and I'll try to put one up every day.
Don't read this the wrong way, a lot of these women are still very good friends of mine. In fact, if you recognize that a story is about you, post a comment and say hi! (or possibly tell me to go to hell, depending on your version of the story)
The Biker Chick.Now, I know what you are thinking. You might say "Todd, you are so hip and a real tough guy to boot! What could possibly go wrong with you dating a woman with a motorcycle?" Picture a computer nerd riding on the back of a Honda Valkyrie and you might be getting close. Luckily she was not wearing a shirt that read "If you can read this, the bitch fell off".
About two weeks after meeting Biker Chick, she invited me over to her house for a beer with her family. It started off a little strange, what with her huge father rebuilding an engine in the garage with her brother and all. The whole family sat in the garage and drank Bud, and it was actually pretty fun at first.
Bikers, for good reason, aren't big fans of drinking and driving. I understood this concept and didn't drink very fast, or so I thought. After my second drink her father came up to me, handed me another beer and said (no joke) "I don't like drinking and driving, but you are going to stay here with (Biker Chick) tonight, right?".
Now, I've SEEN biker movies. Thinking I was clearly being set up for a beating, I looked at BC for some help with the appropriate answer, and she just smiled. So I agreed and took the beer. This man was honestly more concerned about my driving after two beers than he was about me sleeping in his daughters bed the first time he met me. Who was I to blow against the wind? A family of bikers can drink a lot of Budweiser.
The next day Biker Chick asked me if I wanted to go to
the Sturgis Bike Rally with them. As tempting as riding into a gigantic Harley fest, on the back of a Honda, with a girl driving might seem; I decided it was a poor life choice and declined.
Maybe next year.
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Posted by todd
Fri, 10 Sep 2004 19:45:11 GMT
This was my actual apartment for several weeks.
Introduction:
If you are like me, when you move into a new apartment/house/office/couch it feels a bit like an asylum. (not that I go to those...*nervous laugh*) The white walls, the extreme light caused by functioning lightbulbs everywhere, the cleanliness; it all begins to wear on you pretty quickly. The lightbulb issue will sort itself out after about 600 hours, but to solve this white wall problem action is required.
Things You Need:
1. Alcohol.
2. Pictures,Posters etc...
3. Something to drive nails. For the most fun, you want one of those powder actuated "fastening tools". These things are great! They are basically steel pipes that fire a .22 caliber shell, minus the bullet. They SHOOT NAILS into ANYTHING including concrete, steel, or your foot. In a pinch a frying pan will also work, and is less likely to make you deaf.
4. Nails or nail like substances.
5. Someone to tell you the pictures are crooked.
Now you might be tempted to ask a woman you know to come help you with number 5. I've tried this myself. While it *is* a fairly surefire way to convince a woman to actually step foot in your apartment, you will wind up spending way more time moving pictures around than you had envisioned. Get your buddy to come over instead. He won't give a damn where you put the pictures, and you can always call the girl to come see later.
Installation:
Once you have everything you need, start hammering. I try to put big pictures off by themselves, and bunches of little ones together as if they were bits of a larger picture. In fact, if you want you can just smash a big picture into little bits and hang that. Have your buddy, who is by this point painfully drunk, tell you when they are straight.
Validation:
After you are out of things to hang, step back and look at your creation. Still crooked as hell isn't it? The building must not be level. Drink conspicuously and move the pictures back and forth until you are out of booze. From this point forward deny that the pictures aren't straight.
It still beats white walls.
Posted in Bachelor Guides, Best Of Bachelor Todd | 1 comment | no trackbacks
Posted by todd
Thu, 09 Sep 2004 17:27:14 GMT
So Ivan is coming soon. This is really terrible, I know. I can't imagine being someone in Florida right now, and I have a few friends that live down there. That being said, I need some help understanding something.
I love milk. 2% milk to be exact. I have been known to eat a sleeve of DoubleStuff Oreos in one sitting, and let me tell you; that doesn't happen without at least a quarter gallon of milk to wash it down. This is all irrelevant. However... If I was sitting in a puddle with no electricity and quite possibly no roof, I don't think MILK would make it very far on my list of "must-haves".
I keep reading these news articles about the hurricanes, and it never fails that they interview some person who is out of milk, and highly concerned about the issue. Now, if I was stuck in a puddle and out of beer that would be a completely different story.
Why is that?
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Posted by todd
Thu, 09 Sep 2004 02:52:45 GMT
This is stolen from SomethingAwful.com, but... ahahahhahhahah... It's Neo versus a horse. I love bad puns.
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Posted by todd
Thu, 09 Sep 2004 00:54:20 GMT
I wish I was good with Flash. Because if I were, I'd make a little Flash application so you could help me play a game called "Where the hell do I put a chainsaw". You see, I just moved out of a house and into an apartment.
Don't get me wrong, I saw this coming. I gave away *tons* of things to my old roommates and friends. Unfortunately, there are some things a man just can't part with regardless of need.
Including: A chainsaw. Golf clubs. A replica 1950's Western Flyer Bicycle. Enough computer parts to build several, very useless computers. 1, 25 pound dumbell. Additionally, I have enough tools that you would think I was a mechanic of some sort, but no.. I design software, no wrenches needed.
I briefly considered hanging the stuff from my living room wall, but then I slept it off. Help!
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