Weird Al talks about mah people.
Posted by todd Wed, 27 Sep 2006 18:08:13 GMT
Upcoming Travel... Want to have drinks?
Posted by todd Mon, 28 Aug 2006 08:52:00 GMT
This is pretty unlikely, given my schedule and the short notice... but what the hell!
As soon as I find a mapping site that allows me to not only show where I am, but where I *will* be... this will become a widget on my site. Until then...
I fly to NYC tomorrow (August 28th), and will be in Manhattan until Wednesday morning (30th). I'm staying near central park and after my biz dude dinner (at Michael's, fancy pants), I've got a few hours to kill. Tenatively I'm going to meet up with a guy and go to Jimmy's Corner, but I'm open to suggestions!
So, if you read my random stuff and want a drink.. I'm buying.
Wednesday afternoon I'll be in Santa Monica, CA... and I'll be up in San Jose the following week.
Entertain me you slack bastards!
-Todd
Misinterpreting "Bottle Rockets"
Posted by todd Wed, 23 Aug 2006 01:10:00 GMT
I'm sitting in the San Jose airport, thirsty, and like everyone around me I'm terrified.
At any moment, some radical bastard is going to bust out an illeagle water bomb and then we will be..... wet! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.. WET!
Unfortunately, I'm a busy guy. I don't have time for all this, "drinking liquids", and "thinking our government is a bunch of idiots". No, I have places to go.
The new airport "security" measures get worse though. An ugly woman behind me had to give up her perfume and lipstick.
Ugly girls with no makeup? Now THAT'S terror.
Suddenly the burquas make sense! Lipstick was banned in the Middle East CENTURIES ago people! I always figured it was just inconvienient due to the sand... but now we know the truth.
The ban on bottled water is understandable. H2O is a notoriously dangerous substance, even leading to the death of drunk people in quantities as small as a puddle or bucket! (but generally lakes) That's why you can't bring puddles or buckets or lakes on airplanes anymore. You know... because now you are safer.
Back before the term IED was coined, my buddy Jeff taught me a neat trick. If you take a glass bottle, say, a Pepsi... and stuff a napkin full of baking soda in it; you can then pour some vinegar in the bottle and screw the lid on before the fizz comes out.... it makes (Terrorists: Please don't read the next few words. Thanks!)... a BOMB. They make loud noises and shoot glass around when they break.
On my own, I discovered that if your bomb doesn't break properly, and you hit it with a STICK... you bleed! A LOT! (Honestly I still have scars from this, and it was over 15 years ago...sorry ma, but I don't like the doctor) Now, you probably couldn't kill anyone with this, but you could really scratch someone up.....BIGTIME!
Ok Terrorists here's your next move. I swear, there is no ulterior motive.
Babies. God I love flying with children. They are fucking precious.
While every other liquid and gel substance is banned on airplanes, baby food, formula, and breast milk are still acceptable and generally unchecked. Because...you know... terrorists could fashion something dangerous out of my plastic Evian bottle, but a glass jar full of peas? They wouldn't DARE!
So, all you have to do is make a vinegar bomb out of baby bottles or food containers! It almost certainly won't kill anyone, but cmon.. work with me here. No baby food on planes, means no BABIES on planes!!! I'll kick a few virgins your way if you work this out.
Seriously, I know some.
Alternatively, make one out of a womans bra... because that would just rule.
Borrowing one from ZeFrank... This is Bachelor Todd, Drinking, so you don't have to.
New Software!
Posted by todd Sat, 19 Aug 2006 08:55:00 GMT
I had enough of Blogger and my lack of xHTML skillz.... So I've switched! This platform is written in Ruby on Rails, a language that is changing the internet... best part.. if it gets screwed up, I actually have a chance of fixing it myself. (I'm a software geek, not a designer) Yay! Please comment if you see any issues/bugs. Word. -Todd
I'm Turning Japanese.
Posted by todd Sat, 12 Aug 2006 17:04:00 GMT
Ok fine, I'm not. Actually I'm becoming even more of a pasty white boy, due to my lack of time outdoors lately.
However, my friend Kay is VERY Japanese... and quite possibly the cutest thing...ever...
Apparently there are subtle differences between the US and Japanese versions of Mickey Mouse... such as the way the MouseKeteer theme song goes... and the location of mouse ears.
So, without further ado, here is Kayoko singing the hit single from her new album... Mickey Mouse. (She doesn't know about this website, so I'm safe).
Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Posted by todd Wed, 09 Aug 2006 20:20:00 GMT
(I wrote most of this a few months ago but never posted it)
A few months back I flew through my old stomping grounds of Raleigh, North Carolina and visited for a day. It wasn’t very well planned as the real reason for being on the East coast was for business in Atlanta the following day. In fact, it was so last minute that instead of staying with friends, I wound up staying in some random hotel in an area I knew was safe.
Safe for me that is. Apparently not safe for April, the alleged day spa owner who came running up to me as I was unsuccessfully trying to get into my room using the ghetto magnetic key card reader.
“Someone is following me. They followed me around the deck twice now.. I don’t know who they are.”
Now, there wasn’t anyone in sight, you can’t exactly tell terrified women that they are nuts. I mean, she probably WAS, but wouldn’t you feel silly if she wound up in a ditch afterwards?
She wanted to come into my room, but since it was a 50/50 shot between setting me up to be robbed or her being a total nut job, I told her I’d wait with her down in the parking lot until her friend came and got her.
She was very clearly on a lot of drugs and was talking incessantly, but pretty much unintelligibly.
Ladies, if you are ever trying to get a guy to save you and gain his trust, do not under any circumstances make the following statement:
“God everyone in this town is on drugs, all these strippers… coke… heroin. You think I’m crazy don’t you… You don’t believe me do you?!”
Well, when you put it THAT way.
I’m a pretty nice guy, but.... work with me here. The best response I could muster was “Well April, I don’t know you… so I don’t know if you are crazy or not. I’ll wait with you here if you want.”. I was still a little bit worried that the heroin van was going to roll up and roll me, but this girl seemed too dumb to set me up that well.
That’s all she needed to become my insta-bestest-friend-in-the-world ™. “You really aren’t leaving me…are you??” (not so much a question as it was shock) “I’m TOTALLY going to pay you back for this… I want you to come down to the spa and I’ll give you a free massage… your girlfriend too! Do you have a girlfriend?” She rifled through her bags for about 5 minutes looking for her card before I convinced her to forget it.
“Do you party?”
...
...
I was pretty confident she didn’t mean chocolate cake and party hats.
Beyond that I had NO idea what type of “partying” she meant. It seemed pretty much a toss up between coke, heroin, and prostitution at this point.
Me: “Well, what kind of partying do you mean?”.
Her: ”Well, what kind of partying do you do? I’ve got a TON of coke in my purse. Want some?”
Me: “Ummm.. I’ve got a meeting tomorrow, and that might cause some sleep issues. Thanks though!”
It’s hard to imagine why this girl would be paranoid.
This got me thinking. Why was this girl AT this motel, and if she was so scared, why didn’t she go to HER room? This wasn’t exactly the kind of place you hang out at… just a lousy motel.
“April, what are you doing at this motel?”
“A bunch of my stripper friends are having a party upstairs, but I wanted to leave. And this guy was following me, and I didn’t know what to do so I walked around the building and…..blah blah blah blah”
It had been almost 20 minutes at this point, and it seemed clear that Aprils friends weren’t coming to get her….if they existed at all. With her credibility reaching a peak, and my being late to meet my buddy at the bar next door, I did what any good buddy would do.
I told the coked out stripper that I had to go meet my friend next door, and invited her to come with me.
She was rambling on her mobile phone with some chick bur started to follow me, eventually falling way behind. Apparently cocaine makes it difficult to talk and walk at the same time. I waited a minute and she still wasn’t coming.. just standing in the parking lot now talking. So I waved and told her I’d be inside.
My buddy was disappointed that I left the crazy girl out there, but the bartender seemed rather terrified that I’d considered bringing her in and dispatched orders to the staff not to let her in the door. She never tried though… just disappeared.
So all you Raleigh people... if you find a dead stripper in a ditch... check her purse.
Does this make me a Jet-Sitter?
Posted by todd Mon, 24 Jul 2006 03:32:00 GMT
This is the first in an….. at least one part series about business travel. There may be more unless I: A) Start dating someone causing a funny story. B) Get off my ass and try to make a video blog (I have very fancy new video software)… or C) Do nothing, because I’m a slack bastard.
Jet-setting.
Sitting here, stranded, on the airport runway in Seattle it’s hard to imagine a more extravagant lifestyle than that of a frequent business traveler… What, with the “sexy stews”, and the wild hotel parties, it’s truly a wonder any of you settle down. The entire world should be floating around having mile-high orgies!!!
Unfortunately, the only stew here is the fat gay guy who really thinks I’m going to turn off my laptop just in case we actually get the clearance to take off.
Fool me once, shame on you.. Fool me twice… fuck you fat guy I’m not listening.
I admit, there is a stewardess, but she looks like she has been hanging out in a dual-action tanning bed/dehydrator. Austin Powers is going to be really upset.
At least I’m in first class, so they are plying me with red wine. Had they chosen scotch, I’d probably be arrested by now, or screwing the human hacky sack woman in one of her wrinkles….. I just barfed a little bit.
Either way… extravagant… that’s just the kind of guy I am.
Traveling isn’t always that glorious though. This morning, or should I say last night, I woke up at 4AM to get to the San Diego airport. Nothing good happens at 4AM unless it involves tequila and twins…or one girl and extra tequila… same thing really. This time, I was zero for two.. Or four, or… you get the picture.
You can’t really blame the airlines; they have a lot of moving parts and there are bound to be hiccups. Sometimes forget little things like dotting their I’s, or crossing their T’s, or THE FUCKING AIRPLANE. This is why they always offer you a shot for a dollar more.
So there I was, awake before I often go to bed, when they announce that oops… in the confusion it must have gotten lost in the couch cushion or something because there WAS NO PLANE and cancelled the flight.
Several rebookings later, I made my meeting in Seattle and turned around to come home...or apparently to drink wine and eat airplane food.
The Fat Gay Steward just gave me a bowl of hot nuts. That's how I'm going to explain flying from now on.
Single Again.
Posted by todd Wed, 19 Jul 2006 02:32:00 GMT
Well folks, I'm single again.
I don't have anything bad to say at all. She is a beautiful, intelligent, and 100% sane woman (unusual for me!). You won't be reading any crazy stories about her.
Sometimes things just don't work out.
Em, I know you read this site. I'm going to start posting here again eventually, so please stop reading if it will upset you.
PS. Everybody read the bar over on the right hand side! Help me fix my dumb broken template! Apparently I'm a lover, not an xHTML guy.
-Todd
Well, if it needed confirmation, I'm a dork.
Posted by todd Tue, 04 Jul 2006 03:31:00 GMT
If this whole startup thing doesn't work out I could always become an executive assistant. I'd need a few new skirts though.
