No really.. I'm back! I'm single again, the girl moved out, and I've been traveling the world. We will catch up later but for now I want to share something I pretty much copied from the Internet. I'm not allowed to say the name of the site I got it from though so I can't give credit. I'm going to write some more later but this cracked me up for some reason.
Some guy's interpretation of every girl he's ever dated.
Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.
Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.
You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.
Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!
Come on into the living room.
Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.
Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.
And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.
Let's go back into the hallway!
Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...
Well, I'll give Bush credit for this one, he knows where to find people who are easily led. A christian law school founded by Pat Robertson.
Again folks, i'm sorry. If you are someone in my friends/family who is a Christian, I know I upset you.
Blame GW Bush. TheBush administration has been so damaging to this country that it requires a direct response. Like many people I kept my views to myself for many years out of respect for others religions. I thought it was the right thing to do.
I was wrong, and seeing what happens when a "truly" religious person gains power has been eye opening. Religion is the most corrupt organization the world has ever known, and our current government is a window into that world. I don't want a government of people who were hired because they never question anything.
I won't pick on your religion. I won't act differently to you. I simply no longer respect your views as equal. I'd be nice to you if you thought the tooth fairy was real as well.... That being said, I'd keep you away from sharp objects, and I certainly wouldn't give you any authority.
The days of Americans letting you off the hook to be politically correct are over. Blame the born again.
There are several reasons for my lack of stories lately. First off, I travel too much and work for a startup company; which basically gives me the attention span of a ferret on speed.
I also have had a girlfriend for an extended amount of time. (The length of 5 girlfriends if you go back a few years, seriously.)
Now, this is a good thing(tm). It's nice having someone around, and it gives me a reason to come home instead of going out every night(ok, this is good and bad). Plus, she's really hot!(you know your girlfriend is hot when she gets hit on by women as often as men.) All that being said, long term girlfriends, especially ones who pretty much live with you..... have challenges(probably for her more than me).
Think about what this poor girl is dealing with.
At home, my skills have remained roughly constant throughout my life, this is not to her advantage....
1. I don't cook often(sammiches count). I certainly don't cook well.
2. Left alone, my refrigerator will contain beer, pizza, and ketchup within two weeks. Pizza is considered fresh until the cheese won't melt in the microwave anymore. Throwing it out earlier than that will cause me to miss breakfast.
3. I can fix anything in a house, but I can not fix it "properly".
4. I take things apart. Sometimes, I put them mostly back together.
5. I can build nearly anything FOR a house, but I shouldn't. (walls for example).
Ooh, building things. Sorry, I need to stop my list for a moment.
It's always intrigued to me how loosely defined things are in the construction world. In "real" construction this means that if things don't quite fit, you cut off a piece and make it fit. Building things is like doing a jig-saw puzzle, using scissors.
In "guy" construction, this holds true, but the implementation is different. For example:
1. This means that if it's made of drywall and points roughly vertically; it's a fucking wall. (Bonus points if the couch isn't holding it up.)
2. If my drink doesn't slide off of it when I set it down; it's a table.
3. If...say... I were to lose one of the legs of my bed while moving, calculus books are a viable substitute. (Note: Occasionally the books slip, causing the bed to cease being a table, as defined in #2)
My family owned a construction company for many years, and to this day there is a different name for "guy construction" at home. It's called, "Joe'ed".
Back in the day, Joe was the "mechanic" for the construction company. Machines broke, Joe "fixed" them.
Joe's gas tank was broken in his car. He (not kidding) "fixed" that by running a tube from the gas can sitting back seat, to the engine. (It was possibly the "back back" seat if I remember correctly. I was young.)
Joe also smoked in his car.
I don't know what ever happened to the guy(critical burns?), but to this day Whenever something is broken in the apartment, I channel Joe.
Now, I've just outlined the basic genres of my domestic inadequacy. I'll leave it to the reader to imagine the rest. Beyond the in-house difficulties life with me, I'm also obsessive enough about building companies that I often forget to eat.
The poor girl has her work cut out for her.
Now that I've properly demonstrated what "ferret on speed" means, I'll return you to your regularly scheduled programming. I'm landing in Portland, OR.
I'm in somewhat of a pickle right now. A lazy, wet, slacker, pickle.
You see it's raining in San Diego, which in case you don't know, causes massive repurcussions throughout the city. Cars crashing at will, people soaking wet (umbrellas aren't exactly huge here), cats and dogs living together.... Mayhem!
Also, it makes me lazy and I'm having trouble going outside to get my morning coffee. It would require pants, probably, and I know you are all with me when I say "fuck pants".
Unfortunately this is a problem. In what may be a fatal error, I'm simultaneously addicted to coffee, and don't own a coffee maker. Normally this isn't an issue since I consider myself to live on top of a giant coffee machine.
Starbucks is immediately below my feet. Sometimes you can even hear the music, softly, through the floor. Just hearing Norah Jones can cause my car to swerve off the road, which is common, although in my case it's not to end the pain; it's to find coffee. Pavlovian, yes, except with boobs. (WIN!)
The lack of a coffee machine in my apartment is a point of contention between my girlfriend and I. Her point of view is that we each spend roughly $60/month at Starbucks, and that this is somehow a waste of money. She's a college student. Damn economics class. My point of view is somewhat more complicated(Shocking, I know).
My opinion, which I'm sure bothers Kayoko since it's purely based on sarcasm, is "But where will the Barista sleep?".
The reality is that yes, it's a huge waste of money, but unlike the other huge wastes of money in our lives, this one goes great with blueberry muffins.
Besides, even the homeless guys here drink Starbucks coffee. They even drink it when it's raining!
The other point of my argument is that to properly run a coffee maker, you generally want coffee. You can get away without filters with a bit of Macguyver action, but without beans, you're screwed.
I wrote this entire post in the hopes that coffee would magically appear on my desk to avoid walking 30 feet to a coffee shop.
Where do you think I'd go get my coffee beans from?
AKA: Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I understand you :)
Note: These stories were half written while I was in Japan & half not.. so I'm only pseudo-live :)
As the most active (and only)member of the Bachelors Guide to Travel (Which I really need to create), welcome to the Bachelors Guide to Japan, Part 1; What Not To Do.
Japan is an amazing country, and a great place to visit if you want to experience culture far outside of the American/European norm. That being said it's important to know how to behave yourself. These people have swords(in movies).
While In Japan DO NOT:
1. Buy the monkey.
Pet stores in Japan are similar to a pet store you'd be likely to see in a movie involving wizards. Sure, they have dogs and cats (Wizards like those too) but they also have animals I didn't know even existed. (You can also find these in the Japanese grocery store... in a different format.)
There was a very excitable spider monkey (I think) in the front window basically running up and down the cage.
He was cool but somehow it seemed better to leave him there in the store. I know, I know... a relatively large, geeky white guy wandering Japan with his pet spider monkey would be a chick magnet; however I'm taken.. and he looked like the poop flinging type. Also, do not try to take a picture of these monkeys or the owner will get upset, and the monkey will get screechy. (remember... swords)
Continuing through the pet store.....do not....
2. Buy the tiny monkey instead, his head is small but his teeth are not.
Honestly I'm not even 100% sure this was a monkey, but he was way calmer than monkey #1. This one would have fit in my backpack.... a "Traveling Monkey" if you will. As I walked up he yawned though and his teeth seemed roughly as big as his head (reminds me of a girl from highschool), making this type of monkey no damn good... and plus he wouldn't look at me. Every time you try to get this little bastards attention they turn their backs to you. The bitch of monkeys.
3. Buy THIS THING:
'Nuff Said.
4. Think that you will eat anything remotely normal to you.
I'll go into this feature of Japan in greater detail in a later chapter, but it can even trick seasoned bachelors on vacation... so it's worth mentioning.
Several days into your Japan experience, you will likely begin to miss the food you are used to eating. Do not be fooled by locals offering to point you to resteraunts serving "hamburgers", or "chicken". Like many things, important things are lost in translation.
At some point an agreement was reached, presumably at the UN, to ensure the highly volatile chicken market didn't spin out of control. Think of the effects on the United States economy if a chicken wing shortage were to break out during football season! Completely unacceptable.
Anyway.... to keep George Bush from accidently invading Texas... WAITAMINUTE!!! It all makes sense now. Oil and chicken farms!
I'm getting offtopic. Back to the matter at hand.
At the end of the day, all the "good" parts of a chicken seem to be consumed in the United States, leaving Japan with the rest. Do not be fooled into thinking that you can order a random chicken dish without understanding Japanese!!! During my stay I was delivered:
a) A kabob type dish(Yakitori) consisting of some sort of root, chicken liver (I think), and.... wait for it.... not kidding..... CHICKEN BONE. CHICKEN BONE WHICH WAS EATEN(although not by me).
b) A "hamburger" made out of pork. (Ok fine, they have us on that one).
c) Raw horse meat served sashimi style (to be discussed later, so stay tuned).
5. Believe that you will be able to use an ATM 24 hours/day.
In a country known for it's extensive use of robots, mobile phones, and animated pornography you might think that an ATM machine wouldn't be difficult to find. You (and I) would be wrong.
Now don't get me wrong.... there ARE ATM machines you can use with a US card. You simply can't use them after 5PM or on a holiday.
It's my personal belief that the Samauri were not truly defeated by the advent of guns as you might think from American films. They simply were too slow and jingly by being weighed down by the pounds of Yen required to survive in Japan. You can't compete against a ninja like that... cmon!
You can buy cigarettes, beer, HOT coffee in a can, and rumor has it ladies UNDERWEAR in vending machines all over the country.
Just keep in mind that those aren't homeless people you see begging on the streets...
They are simply waiting for the banks to open after the 4 day New Years holiday.
San Diego is a great city, with every imaginable kind of restaurant. Thai, Peruvian, Afghan. You can also find whatever ambiance suits you. Casual, Hip, Swank.... Homeless.
Lee's Cafe (5th between F&G)
I may have mentioned Lee's before... it is the hub of crazy people. If this were a video game, it's where the monsters would come out of. The spawn point if you will. All the crazies/homeless guys eat there. In fact, I even saw a guy NOT eat there. He had no arms. He came in and sat down.. grumbled a bit.. they said hi.. and he left. You know you are a cool place when patrons just come in to grunt.
It's also where *I* eat breakfast whenever I manage to eat breakfast or I'm hungover (yes yes.. I'm sure that says something). I imagine being homeless in San Diego is like having every night be a REALLY late night out, so it makes sense.
Mr. and Mrs Lee have been there for a *long* time. My theory is that they are Chinese slackers. They showed up 20 years or so ago, and excitedly opened their establishment... doing all the exciting "starting a company things".
cutting out cereal box covers and taping them to the wall as a sort of kindergarten menu.
VERY carefully pricing the items on their vast menu to some exact formula (the equation written in Chinese for added complexity).
Everything has an odd price, like $2.36. After that they said "Fuck it, putting those little numbers on the board is a bitch", and never changed the prices again.
That's Lee's Cafe to this day. The most expensive thing on their menu is a T-Bone(no relation) steak , and that costs.... seriously... $7.48. You can get anything there. T-Bone steak and smokes? 10 bucks (and 3 cents).
You can get a FULL BREAKFAST there (a guy breakfast.. 2 eggs, bacon, hash browns, toast, and coffee), for THREE DOLLARS AND FIFTY CENTS.
Mr. and Mrs. Lee aren't great business people. Hell, they don't really even have a sign, but they make good bacon.
It's easy to tip them more than the meal costs, because you almost feel like you are ripping them off. I mean hell, once you factor in the smoke damage, I couldn't even *make* breakfast for $3.50.
Recently it came to my attention that many of the old places in the Gaslamp have absurdly cheap leases from the government or something. Like, $0.25-$0.35 per square foot which means they need to sell like 700 eggs per month to pay the rent....
everything else has is gravy.
I suggest you check it out. If you want company, just scream out the door like you are on fire... I'll come over and say hi.
I've always tried to respect other peoples beliefs, but I'm done. Religious people (and not just Muslims) are either brainwashed or stupid; their beliefs dangerous; and their fervor terrifying. Worst of all, they are are allowed to hold office. It's time for religion to be purged from government.
Would everyone who believes their god likes to hang out in Israel please go there and fight for it? Last one standing can stay there.
-Todd
On a lighter note (sort of) here is the list :)
10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of your god.
9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from lesser life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.
8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Trinity god.
7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" -- including women, children, and trees!
6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.
5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loop-holes in the scientifically established age of the Earth (4.55 billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by pre-historic tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that the Earth is a couple of generations old.
4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects -- will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet you consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving".
3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to prove Christianity.
2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.
1 - You actually know a lot less than many Atheists and Agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history -- but still call yourself a Christian.
Note: A few people have asked me, and I didn't write this list. If you know who did let me know so I can give proper credit.
The bible thumping freak just put someone who is AGAINST CONTRACEPTION... in charge of 283 MILLION DOLLARS and a program that GIVES AWAY FREE CONTRACEPTION.
If someone did this in the business world they would be thrown in jail...
Hey Republicans.... I wish I could vote for you... seriously! I am pro-business! I'm not poor! I don't even really like Democrats!
What happened to your party that made your leadership sound like the fucking crazy guy who stands downtown on a milk crate? (seriously, I'm going to take his picture)
You have out-dumbed the Democrats. They couldn't win a race on their own to save themselves, but you still managed to lose the election. With garbage like this, you *will* lose the next one as well...
I voted a Democratic ticket this year, and probably will next time as well. Not because of the war. Not because of the scandal (although it helped).
I did it because voting Republican has become synonymous with voting for fundamentalist christians.
Intelligent people aren't fundies, contraception does not CAUSE pregnency, and you've managed to turn large groups of people who generally don't care about politics (myself included) into rabid anti-Republicans.
My name is Todd. I am a bachelor, a software geek, and I want to start a company; none of which make me very domesticated.
Luckily, bachelors are natural inventors.
I have grilled out using only a pair of pliers, used a single dog food dish as dishware, and thrown out pans to avoid cleaning. Trust me, this was best for everyone.
Don't worry though, I'm all grown up now... These days I just eat out.
I know.. I often get confused for MJ.... it's the giant....teeth.
-T
