Misinterpreting "Bottle Rockets"
Posted by todd Wed, 23 Aug 2006 01:10:00 GMT
I'm sitting in the San Jose airport, thirsty, and like everyone around me I'm terrified.
At any moment, some radical bastard is going to bust out an illeagle water bomb and then we will be..... wet! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.. WET!
Unfortunately, I'm a busy guy. I don't have time for all this, "drinking liquids", and "thinking our government is a bunch of idiots". No, I have places to go.
The new airport "security" measures get worse though. An ugly woman behind me had to give up her perfume and lipstick.
Ugly girls with no makeup? Now THAT'S terror.
Suddenly the burquas make sense! Lipstick was banned in the Middle East CENTURIES ago people! I always figured it was just inconvienient due to the sand... but now we know the truth.
The ban on bottled water is understandable. H2O is a notoriously dangerous substance, even leading to the death of drunk people in quantities as small as a puddle or bucket! (but generally lakes) That's why you can't bring puddles or buckets or lakes on airplanes anymore. You know... because now you are safer.
Back before the term IED was coined, my buddy Jeff taught me a neat trick. If you take a glass bottle, say, a Pepsi... and stuff a napkin full of baking soda in it; you can then pour some vinegar in the bottle and screw the lid on before the fizz comes out.... it makes (Terrorists: Please don't read the next few words. Thanks!)... a BOMB. They make loud noises and shoot glass around when they break.
On my own, I discovered that if your bomb doesn't break properly, and you hit it with a STICK... you bleed! A LOT! (Honestly I still have scars from this, and it was over 15 years ago...sorry ma, but I don't like the doctor) Now, you probably couldn't kill anyone with this, but you could really scratch someone up.....BIGTIME!
Ok Terrorists here's your next move. I swear, there is no ulterior motive.
Babies. God I love flying with children. They are fucking precious.
While every other liquid and gel substance is banned on airplanes, baby food, formula, and breast milk are still acceptable and generally unchecked. Because...you know... terrorists could fashion something dangerous out of my plastic Evian bottle, but a glass jar full of peas? They wouldn't DARE!
So, all you have to do is make a vinegar bomb out of baby bottles or food containers! It almost certainly won't kill anyone, but cmon.. work with me here. No baby food on planes, means no BABIES on planes!!! I'll kick a few virgins your way if you work this out.
Seriously, I know some.
Alternatively, make one out of a womans bra... because that would just rule.
Borrowing one from ZeFrank... This is Bachelor Todd, Drinking, so you don't have to.
Hi-fuckin'-larious! The water thing is so annoying because the technology exists to determine what the molecular makeup of a bottle of liquid is. They use it in the airports in Japan. They will not let you get on a plane until they have analyzed your bottle of water. If we are the wealthiest nation in the world (which is actually debatable) why do we not have the latest technology in our airports??!!
my bra sometimes set off the metal detectors.
ACG: Stay away from industrial magnets... but I'll admit, I'm intrigued. Maria: It's just so silly. I can think of about 10 ways to hijack an airplane.. all of which would be easier than making a bomb out of a water bottle. The whole thing is political grandstanding. PS... Do you come downtown often?
Parking in Downtown is so difficult. I avoid partying there for that reason. I can walk to the bars in PB from my place. I do work there though.
While they are at it, it would only make sense to outlaw rain within a reasonable distance from the airport as well.. This would make it considerably harder for terrorists to smuggle in water.
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After just having purchsed shaving cream, and toothpaste for my overseas holiday. I was annoyed to lose both, and spent the rest of my holiday with a stealthily growing beard and yellow teeth in protest.