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Bachelor Vacation, Part II

Posted by todd Thu, 13 Oct 2005 21:24:00 GMT

Charity. Not an ex-girlfriend.(although I try)


An important activity when traveling is to sample the local flavor. In particular, the local flavor of beer.

Luckily Charity and I have a long history of drinking copious amounts of alcohol together. Together we set out to see who went blind first.

After giving me a couple hours head start by attending a family dinner, she showed up at the bar I'd found. Brewski's, which as you can tell by the name, is a classy little joint, and is near the Arkansas college campus. Really, how wrong can you go with a name like Brewski's?

The reader may have noticed that I like weird people... and my friends... it was like a weirdo convention had descended on us. Either that, or I think shit's funny when I'm drunk.

Whatever.

A few warmup weirdo's, and it was pro time. Let me tell you folks, these boys didn't screw around, and I'm pretty sure I've got a chunk of a BBQ sammich lodged in my heart from laughing so hard.

We were sitting at a table right next to the sidewalk, for maximum hilarity, when a guy walked by looking pretty angry/scary. He had a roll of duct tape in his hand, and it appeared he was ready to beat someone with it. After he walked past once, he turned around and walked up to us. It was a bit intimidating at first, especially given the first words out of his mouth.

(In my best southern redneck accent) "Hey, you wanna make a quick three dollars?".

I couldn't make this shit up. He *actually* said that.

Me (dumbfounded): Naah, I'm good. (as THIS popped into my head)
DuctMan: Cmon, three dollars, it'l only take a minute.
Me (somewhat afraid to ask): What do you want me to do?
DuctMan: Ah got ah torn rotator cuff and ah need someone to tape me up.

*blink*....*blink*...

Now, in hindsight, I *never* should have passed up the chance to duct tape a hillbilly, but I told him I didn't want to hurt him any more and declined. (Also, I feel somewhat bad about this now because he was probably in pain, but hey, WHO SAYS THAT!)

DuctMan (walking into the bar to ask someone else): Naah, you won't hurt me more, less yer real mad at me.

Charity and I sort of stared at each other for a minute while the guy went around the bar asking other people and eventually found a girl who said she'd do it. He wasn't kidding. He took off his jacket said, "ya just go round mah shoulder, then round mah chest.. then back over mah shoulder. do that three four times". She accidentally taped his skin, but he said that was ok and put on his jacket and left.

At least he didn't have a toothache, or need a physical.

Next, a man who looked a LOT like Dee Snyder walked out. (Dee pictured below for anyone who has forgotten all that is Twisted Sister)

Dee went and got on this crazy looking motorcycle that I'm *pretty* sure he built himself. He was wearing a lot of tight leather, so Charity and I were already laughing pretty hysterically when something happened that I still haven't quite recovered from seeing.

I'd looked away for a minute, and Charity says "Oh nuh uh." Yuh huh.

A woman no less than 65 years old, I'm presuming his mother, walked out and proceeded to put on a pair of huge biker goggles. She climbed on the back of the bike and sat there for a while while Dee backed the bike up across 2 lanes of traffic and took off with her.

I decided that if one more thing happened, I was moving there just for the humor value. Luckily that was it for the strange ones.

It's a sign of the times people... tight leather is coming back. I for one won't be missing the boat this time.