The Bachelors Guide to Medicine.
Posted by todd Sun, 22 May 2005 16:10:00 GMT
AKA: Ouch.
If you are a guy, or perhaps, have seen one, you have probably noticed they have a common problem. Guys do not go to the doctor, usually until they fall over and a woman takes them there.
I know, I know.. this isn't exactly groundbreaking news but still, lets look at a few case studies in wounded-guy stupidity.
* My buddy Jeff hurt his ankle so bad once that he needed to basically be carried out of the woods. To this day we don't know if he fractured it or just sprained it, and he certianly isn't going to find out.
*I've personally dislocated my shoulder, twice, and still have no plans to do anything about it. (It went back in, what else were they going to do?!)
The current winner though:
*My friend Jay Tekotte, who is only alive today because his wife forced him to go to the emergency room after being bitten by a copperhead snake. Left on his own, he would have died slamming Busch Lite to numb the pain. Busch Lite people!
We are not smart.
That being said, this story is being written while I'm on large amounts of Vicodin and not one, but TWO antibiotics. I'm not sure what inspired me to go, but I just got back from the doctor.
Ok that's a lie, I know *exactly* what inspired me
It was the feeling that my head may actually explode, combined with a strange buzzing sound, and topped off with the fact that both my eardrums started leaking fluid profusely. (note for other men: When your ears begin to leak copious amounts of liquid, it isn't your brains coming out, but you might want to consider seeing someone anyway.)
It's just a really bad middle ear infection, and it's entirely my fault, but I *almost* got away without the doctor. See, about a month ago I developed a nasty cold, but cmon people! I'm a busy man! I don't have time for all this, "getting better" and "not having my eardrums break" stuff; I've got things to do! Important things!
So like all men, I self medicated. Lots of vitamins, less beer, NyQuil. I was really almost better (well, or so I thought). Even last night when my ears started hurting I didn't give up hope.
In true Macgyver style I fashioned an improvised heating pad out of several chemical heat wraps that I stuck to the inside of my pillow. It worked great, and I even fell asleep! (that is, until my ears exploded, which was strangely loud. Next time I will have to build a sound dampening system into my heating pad; this will involve pen caps.)
So, why is it that men are so stupid about doctors? Is it because we think they don't really know what they are talking about? Or is it because we'd rather just not know as long as it doesn't get worse? Or maybe it's just some deep issue with some guy sticking you with things and them generally being assholes?
Yes, those are all true, but personally it's because I'd much rather play Lethal Weapon and smash my own shoulder back into place than have some guy shine a light up my nose before doing the same exact thing. What does my nose have to do with a shoulder anyway damnit!
Now, if only I could build a drainage device to collect all this leakage into a soda bottle.. That would rule!
Ps. I'm totally growing a Macgyver Mullet now. Ladies, here I come.
Ps. I’m totally growing a Macgyver Mullet now. Ladies, here I come.<<
Oh that has got to be the Vicodin talkin!