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A Bachelors Guide To Picture Hanging

Posted by todd Fri, 10 Sep 2004 19:45:11 GMT

This was my actual apartment for several weeks.



Introduction:
If you are like me, when you move into a new apartment/house/office/couch it feels a bit like an asylum. (not that I go to those...*nervous laugh*) The white walls, the extreme light caused by functioning lightbulbs everywhere, the cleanliness; it all begins to wear on you pretty quickly. The lightbulb issue will sort itself out after about 600 hours, but to solve this white wall problem action is required.

Things You Need:
1. Alcohol.

2. Pictures,Posters etc...

3. Something to drive nails. For the most fun, you want one of those powder actuated "fastening tools". These things are great! They are basically steel pipes that fire a .22 caliber shell, minus the bullet. They SHOOT NAILS into ANYTHING including concrete, steel, or your foot. In a pinch a frying pan will also work, and is less likely to make you deaf.

4. Nails or nail like substances.

5. Someone to tell you the pictures are crooked.

Now you might be tempted to ask a woman you know to come help you with number 5. I've tried this myself. While it *is* a fairly surefire way to convince a woman to actually step foot in your apartment, you will wind up spending way more time moving pictures around than you had envisioned. Get your buddy to come over instead. He won't give a damn where you put the pictures, and you can always call the girl to come see later.

Installation:
Once you have everything you need, start hammering. I try to put big pictures off by themselves, and bunches of little ones together as if they were bits of a larger picture. In fact, if you want you can just smash a big picture into little bits and hang that. Have your buddy, who is by this point painfully drunk, tell you when they are straight.

Validation:
After you are out of things to hang, step back and look at your creation. Still crooked as hell isn't it? The building must not be level. Drink conspicuously and move the pictures back and forth until you are out of booze. From this point forward deny that the pictures aren't straight.

It still beats white walls.